Forests of My Mind

I avoided posting this weekend because I simply felt strange.  It wasn't something I could blog about, or even form in words.  I still cannot think of words to explain what has been going on in my mind.  If I were to use the hole analogy, I suppose I feel like I have gained some objects for a way out.  However, in my own mind, in my own case, I do not think I am in a hole so much as I am lost.

I have always liked forests.  Hiking, or simply walking, looking.  I live by the Pine Barrens in New Jersey, woods and oceans are two things that make up "home" to me.  When I had my breakdown I began to use the word "lost", and that is what this is to me.  I am lost.  I used to know where I stood, and while I never was the type to follow beaten paths, I always knew where I stood.  When depression hit, it was like losing my bearings in the woods.  When this depression hit, it was like I was in the woods, my bearings lost, no compass, no water to drink or food to eat.  Lost, cold, starving, no way home and no way to survive.  This weekend was overwhelming in some way, but I feel as though I have some food and drink now, that maybe I can get the strength to one day search for a way home.

The hardest thing for me in this forest, however, is forgiving myself for everything I did and everyone I hurt on my way to being lost.  My exboyfriend says he forgives me; I've asked him probably one too many times.  I, however, cannot forgive myself.  The fact I can admit that now, however, is like my water.  I know what I need to do.

It just seems impossibly hard.