How to Live in Holes

Today was about suffering.  Today was desperation, almost-hospitalization, no-hope, all-pain, nervous, uncertain, messed-up, fucked-up misery.

People often liken depression to finding yourself in a hole and needing to get yourself out.  What they don't tell you is depression is not just being in that hole, it's watching as the people you love fill that hole with dirt without knowing it, it's scraping your hands against the sides of that hole, desperate to pull yourself out, but all that's happening is is your nails are being pulled off as you bury your hands against the sides of the hole, as your skin gets raw and eventually you just lay there.  Struggling is too hard.  Getting up is too hard.  So you just curl up and close your eyes and breathe in the grime and dirt and let it choke you.  You let the dirt press against your ribs and chest and crush you.  You realize you can't see the way out, and you don't even remember what the way out looks like anymore, where to find it.

Today was about wanting to die and not finding the energy to even do that.  Today was about realizing you don't even remember what happiness feels like.