If Winter Ends

For the record the title isn't meant to be a pun on my name for once.  Although it could work as one.

Since my breakdown I have only felt okay once.  One single time in what has almost been a month, enough that the low points are just getting lower, and it's impossible to breathe sometimes.

I want someone to reach out, but the only person whose touch I will accept doesn't want me anymore.  The longer my ex and I are broken up the more it seems to leave its marks on me.  We love each other, and it shouldn't have come to this.  The one person I trusted turned my back on me because I messed up.  I just feel like, if the one person who loves me won't stand beside me, why should I try?  I have no one else I trust, and I don't think I can do this alone.

My problem is I have so much trouble connecting with people.  I didn't truly connect with someone until I was seventeen, and it took me two years after they betrayed me to find someone else who I was comfortable with.  I can't wait two more years.  I don't think I can wait two more weeks.  I didn't want to write posts like this on this blog--I wanted it to be more about recovery and introspection than misery and pity, but right now it's like I'm living in a Bright Eyes song:

"I give myself three days to feel better
Or I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
Because if I can't learn to make myself feel better
Then how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?
And I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
Just get me past this dead and eternal snow
Because I swear that I am dying, slowly, but it's happening
So if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere
Just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be all right"

I'm giving myself more than three days, but if things don't get better by the time my anti-depressants should be working fully, I'm either taking my things and going west, or ending things.   I can't take another month like this.

I've tried discussing this with the people at my "Intensive Outpatient Program" but their inpatient program is only for suicide intervention, and they won't help me look for better inpatient programs.  I just don't feel like I can get better in any outpatient program, because it's about trying to get you back into your life, and most days I can't even leave my bed much less think about my life.  I used to be one of those girls who woke up early, got dressed perfectly, did my hair, my makeup and went.  I get out of my pajamas now only for therapy, it's too much of a bother to even put my contacts in.  My therapist says it's good I at least get dressed for therapy, but if that's all I get dressed for I'd hardly call that progress.  I want to switch to a psychologist, someone who can tell me why I act this way and how to prevent it, but it's such a large job to find one.  Therapy is about pushing past, avoiding, getting a life together and getting drugs and ignoring everything you did to hurt the people around you, ignoring the problems that caused the breakdown.

I just can't do this.