Winter

Winter le Fay is not my real name.  I kind of wish it was.

I'm twenty-one years old, and have been diagnosed as clinically depressed since November 2, 2010.  My therapist suggested journalling, which I do outside of this blog, but given my isolation from the outside world, I wanted to reach out.  As such, I created this blog.

Prior to my breakdown, which is what I call the night of Monday, October 25, 2010, I was a straight-A student at a New Jersey college, following graduating Atlantic Cape Community College with honors, a near-perfect GPA, a membership in the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society, and a degree in Digital Design, where I can safely say I was one of the program's top students.  I was happy, I was proud of who I am.  I had a boyfriend, I had friends, I was comfortable in my own skin.  Around August 2010, this started to change, and the depression hit.

I sabotaged relationships, I isolated myself from others, I hid.  I still maintained straight-As in my classes, although I struggled with Art History.  I was quieter in class than normal.  I hid.  In my new college, I did not join clubs, while the year prior I was an active member and layout editor of my school's literary magazine.  I excelled.  I flew.

I will not blame my breakdown on my ex-boyfriend, but the night he broke up with me, due to his own struggles with depression and suicide, marked the last day I attended college, and the last day I remember having some semblance of normality.  I don't blame him; this breakdown was long-coming.  It was, however, my catalyst into depression, which I have probably suffered since high school.

Within my first week of therapy I realized I very much do not remember who I am anymore.  My mother excuses this as "just being twenty-one", but most people I know have at least one thing that makes them happy.  At least one, small thing they know about themselves.  I have come to realize I know nothing.

I am learning, though, and this is my quest to find myself despite the barriers of my depression, and my own tendency to sabotage my own happiness.